why Steve, my best friend of two years, is not someone who I can date. Everything's there: I love him, he loves me, we are ridiculously compatible, we both like the same things, I can tell him anything, and vice verse. And yet, I can't seem to hold a relationship with him. I think we've "dated" three times and I always ended it. Somehow, I can't commit to someone who I know is decent and respectful of me, and kind, generous and sweet. I don't know what's wrong with me. I suspect that, after dating a series of crappy, manipulative, demanding boyfriends from age 14 to 16, I sort of got used to dating only jerks and scumbags. And now, when I try to date a genuinely good guy, it just seems off. I have no idea why this is. I always knew there was something wrong with me.
There's no point anyway; I'm leaving in three months, and we're such good friends, and it obviously hasn't worked in the past, so why give it one last shot? The thing is, I'd do pretty much anything for Steve: I'd quit soccer, I'd come down from NY every weekend, just to see him. He's one of two men I would marry without a second thought. I can honestly picture myself spending the rest of my life with him.
And yet, I can't bring myself to date him. I think it's because I'm scared to mess it up, like I always do. See, all those times I dated those horrible boys, I had something to try to fix, something to salvage. I was in control (or so I thought). However, if I were to date Steve, there would be nothing to remedy, nothing to complain about. He's a perfect gentleman to me. I realized this yesterday as he held me in his arms and stroked my hair while I cried my eyes out. I've never had a man do that for me. Not even my own father. And that is what I'm scared of: losing that constant affection, respect, and security. I'm a strong girl, but knowing that I was responsible for ruining the best thing that's ever happened to me? That would completely destroy me.
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